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ROCKZ UNDER MY BALLZZZZ PISTOL IN MY DRAWERZZ [entries|friends|calendar]
let me tell you about heartache & the loss of god.


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[Monday
July 13th, 2009]
soo i haven't been on this bitch in a while. i just talk to myself on here anyway, i don't know why i even bother but here goes.

when i clicked on the "post" link, LJ asked me if i wanted to restore from a saved draft. what draft? i hit restore or whatever, and some drunk rambling and bitching came up. a lot has changed since then...

i have a boyfriend i(grudgingly)only give about 35% of myself to..., i lost my job on may 5th 2009 for some bullshit and am currently still unemployed. i'm going to do something else with school, but i haven't figured it out yet. my grandfather died on june 10, 2009. i've had an easy time getting over it so far. i've also lost 68lbs. i plan on losing 18 more, but i just need to lose 8lbs to reach my goal. so stoked. i pretty much starved... and i walk 6 miles everyday. i like walking, i like being in shape, i like being outside sweating. i like jogging. i feel good about myself, but somethings eating away at me inside. this is the first serious relationshit i've been in since joey, and it is SO fucking hard getting close to someone again. i make relationshits difficult. i don't think i'm destined to be with anyone forever, i am not capable of it. i don't feel love anymore. i am defective. you know, i think i'm just so fucking far gone. i think everythings getting better and i'm mentally more stable, but really i've isolated myself completely and am living in my bedroom. my bedroom is my world. i like it like this. i like my fucking clutter on the floor, i like being ALONE. i like listening to melancholy nostalgic songs...fuck.

essentially everything i've built up since graduating high school has crumbled. i am completely back at square one. rock bottom. whatever. i'm a fucking retard. life is fucking retarded
| cmnt.

[Wednesday
April 8th, 2009]
"I don't need to know why the oceans blue or how the flowers grow. I don't need to live waiting on someone to forgive me for my sins."
| cmnt.

dammit atmosphere. [Monday
March 30th, 2009]
i've had insanely good luck the past 2-3 weeks.... an officer knowing i was wasted didn't give me a dui and let a friend pick me up and drive me home, i found $10 at work, a repeat customer bought me a $1 scratch off that sat in my purse for a week or so..i scratched it and won $40. this shit doesn't happen to me. maybe karma exists.


im at peace with myself and everyone around me, but its mostly some spiritual shit. maybe my head is so fucked i've just grown completely delirious. it's hard to explain, but it makes sense to me. im happy to be alive, i expect nothing from anyone, i am hopeless.


everyone pushes me so far inside
i am having a really hard time connecting with people,
they smother me

feels like im stuck in the past. like someone's got my heart still, and i compare every new romantic interest to that one person.



"I'm Shook
I know
I pushed when I should of pulled
Took it all back if I could I put that on my soul
And I would make a top notch good listener
If you could block off a little time out to give it here
Since we went our separate paths
I hit a couple of snags
That remind me of the past
I cant front I'm having a blast
But damned if I ain't afraid of how long its gonna last
Sitting here wishing we could kick it
Gimme your opinions I do miss the criticisms
I didn't mean to be distant
Make a visit

Ill wait up and keep the coffee brewing in the kitchen
But who am I jokin' with
Theres no way that you and I will ever get to re-open it

It doesn't matter this is more then love
And maybe if I'm lucky I'll see you out the conner of...

Yesterday was that you?
Looked just like you
Strange things my imagination might do
Take a breath reflect on what we've been through
Or am I just going crazy cause I miss you.

And when you left I didn't see it coming
I guess I slept it ain't like you was running
You crept out the front door slow
And I was so self-absorbed I didn't even know
And by the the time I looked up, it was booked up
You put it all behind you, the bad and the good stuff
A whole house full of dreams and steps
I think you'd be impressed with the pieces I kept

You disappeared but the history is still here
Thats why I try not to cry over spilled beer

I can't even get mad that your gone
Leaving me probably the best thing you ever taught me
I'm sorry, its official
I was a fistful
I didn't keep it simple
Chip on the shoulder, anger in my veins
Had so much hatred, now it brings me to shame
Never thought about the world with out you
And I promise, I'll never say another bad word about you."
| cmnt.

[Wednesday
March 18th, 2009]
i'm trying to build a relationship with my mother, but its really hard when she is still very defensive of my brother and continues to accuse me of smoking crack


there is something wrong with me, but i don't know if its temporary or a disease


i feel like a used condom, you kind of need it, but after you've used it you want to dispose of it quickly because its...... dirty

i am a shell of who i used to be and i don't know what to do anymore
| cmnt.

[Thursday
February 26th, 2009]
every morning i wake up sick for the first few hours


no appetite

i don't know whats wrong with me. i am a hypochondriac, perhaps

i owe $500 in taxes this year
| cmnt.

goddamn. [Sunday
February 8th, 2009]
I don't feel homesick, I'm just so sick of home
It's here that reminds me of everything we've been through
And it tears me down
It makes me sick of being who I am, of who I cannot be
A constant reminder
Cold nights, again left alone
Wandering streets all on my own
And all of this for you
It's time that I went back for just even an hour
To talk to you to make things fine again
Again and again I will run from you
| cmnt.

[Saturday
February 7th, 2009]
fuck friends that are in relationshiTS and are fucking stuck up their boyfriend's/girlfriend's ass.

yeah. when he pisses you off the next day, don't call me. when you break up and your little heart is fucking hurting, im not going to be there.

its really hard to deal with people's SHIT they dump on your shoulders when you're going through your own issues, contemplating whether life is even fucking worth it or not anymore.


all these entries are the same.bitch.bitch.bitch.
1 | cmnt.

leave me bleeding on the bed, see you right back here tomorrow for the next round. [Friday
February 6th, 2009]
i had a dream last night that i was a character from mario. and i was on a level with the boo ghosts. it was fantastic.

im chill.
i started smoking again for the first time in about 2 years
i dont feel so neurotic


im getting my tongue pierced tomorrow
just when i thought my standards couldn't get lower,
they just reached critical level.


~.~


fuck the world
cause it aint what it seeeeeem....
| cmnt.

[Monday
February 2nd, 2009]
i really fucking hate bank of america.
| cmnt.

[Wednesday
January 14th, 2009]
you know, when you actually start going out and getting over yourself, life is so much more pleasant. even if its some temporary relief, it gets your mind off shit.

i mean it only took me 20 years to figure out that you can't wait on life. anyway, done with the ranting.






i'm getting there.
| cmnt.

[Saturday
January 3rd, 2009]
Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Looking kind of anxious in your cross armed stance
Like a bad tempered prom queen at a homecoming dance
And I claim Im not excited with my life any more
So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is its myself
And Im trying to understand myself
And pinpoint where I am
By the time I get things figured out
Ive change the whole damn plan
Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that Ill probably reget soon
Ive changed my mind so much I cant even trust it
My mind changed me so much I cant even trust myself
| cmnt.

something [Thursday
December 25th, 2008]
"It's time to move on, cause the past can't be your passion.
So what if you did something wrong? Find someone who hasn't"
| cmnt.

[Tuesday
December 23rd, 2008]
wow. i definitely just realized the greatness of a micro sd card and a touchscreen phone. oh jesus. i got texting on my phone now only because i want to use the qwerty keypad. im an idiot.
| cmnt.

i feel like i am being haunted. [Wednesday
December 17th, 2008]
some days i'm high as a satellite
other days i'm down and out

but mostly, im always pissed off
always on edge



i want to kill you
because you took the best of me

now i want the rest of you

--------


im so sick of me........................ so sick of this

when you really sit and think about life, when you really hit rock bottom with no rope to get you out of the hole, you start to dig real fucking deep. you'll find those reminders you buried along with the pieces of your heart
you'll relive moments you wanted to last forever
and moments you wanted to die



you'll dream a lot.

at this point you should feel pretty fucking lonely

wake up, scrambling to interpret what your subconscious is trying to get through to you. that voice you silenced for so long is starting to make sense.


everything hits so much harder
your brain will either be hazy or clear


i am stuck in a fog every morning abruptly at 4 with my high beams on; reflecting off the moisture in the air.
don't know if i'll end up speeding down the highway

or at the edge of a building





yeah, thats me
i feel sick
you dont get it
| cmnt.

[Saturday
December 13th, 2008]
"The idea that I can't share my problems with other people makes me not give a shit about their problems." - Palahniuk
1 | cmnt.

[Tuesday
December 9th, 2008]


i've finally come to terms with myself being the only one that finds britney spears more attractive with a shaved head.
1 | cmnt.

and if you leave, you're leaving the best so you would have to settle for less. [Monday
December 8th, 2008]
i had an amazing night with nick last night.
conversing through 5am and passing out mid-sentence on the couch.
you know that feeling when you totally connect to someone
when you catch yourself looking at them like you see a new day.
you look away, catch your breath
but by then you're already gone
floating off, somewhere.....


like
one
heart
beat

i'm so lame, but its just one of those things.
i felt that it needed to be documented that not all guys are assholes, and when i start feeling hopeless i can look back and be reminded of that one time

this entire month has officially been made.

its little things like this that serve as a reminder that i'm not as dead as i thought i had become...
| cmnt.

[Wednesday
December 3rd, 2008]
[ mood | frustrated ]

my futures gray and i can't see



im going out of my way to do nice shit for people i hardly care for in some desperate hope that karma actually exists and good shit will come back to me


probably not


"I don't concern myself with anyone that's not coming to my funeral."

but i still find myself giving a fuck because theres no one else around and im so fucking lonely its pathetic. one day i'll look back at this piece of shit and think i was the biggest pussy ever

fuck everything

i want to get abducted by aliens

| cmnt.

moving mountains [Monday
December 1st, 2008]
man the -last- thing i should be doing on a night like this is listening to fucking usher.... aw. =(



Every kiss, that I missed, you know I'm trying.
You never believe when I say, and I never believe it when you say, I love you
And I shouldn't complain about it, I should take it like a man and walk up out it.
Cause we will never be the same... oh
I've been standing in gas, and you have been the flame

I know sorry, just wouldn't do it,
Her Heart is oblitereated, I'm trying to get through
Gotta move *this* mountain...
It's like moving mountains...
But I keep climbing and hoping things would change
And the sky turns grey, and the water from the rain, washes progress away
It's like moving mountains...
| cmnt.

[Saturday
November 29th, 2008]
my brother came home for the weekend. we had -family dinner- for the first time in a long time. i haven't sat at the dinner table for years because my dad masticates loud. for once the TV isn't on and it's quiet. so, i'm sitting on my stool by the sink listening to michael talk about his classes at UCF, i accidentally drop my fork on the ceramic plate, disrupting his conversation, and my dad -looks- over at me then -looks- away. michael continues about how he needs to wash his -new- VW jetta. i lost my appetite and walked away.


i really hate being reminded that i'm too much of an idiot to get into a university, that i am reduced to fucking community college going for a vocational certificate. the struts on my car have gone to shit and i need to invest another couple hundred into that hopeless cause on top of the $600+ invested so far, and i also need new tires. i know this is all mostly my fault, i just wish i didn't turn out to be such a disappointment. maybe i'm just placing the blame on someone else, but i must have been abandoned somewhere along the lines. maybe they just gave up on me. half of me wants to come out on top and the other half wants to walk away from it all and leave this town. leave my family, friends, and florida behind.




i feel like im struggling just to keep up.
| cmnt.

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